I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. But my jacked up personality (which, by the way, was God’s doings) has to sometimes write it all out. Or say it to someone(s). Nobody wants to be the recipient of that. So I’m writing. It’s been a long time. And the worst part here is that it will take me 10,000 words to say what most people can say in a sentence or two. So, I’m sorry. I have tried to change. Really, I have. And it was nearly my undoing. So I’m not going that route anymore. So here is what I threw up a couple of days ago in the “notes” section of my iphone….
It’s September. And the people in charge continue to tell us that September is looking big for the Smiths. And if history is any indication of my response to this sort of news (news confirmed again today), I am due to soon start my panicky running around in circles, running daily errands (only to get in the store and have no memory as to why I am there), weeping 2-40 times a day, and going countless times before The Lord too humbled to speak and then too wound up to shut up. September is big. Because sometime just after Fall is gloriously ushered in, Rod and I will hop on a plane (ALL BY OURSELVES) to Bulgaria to meet our little girl. Another Smith. A little girl who needs a family. We have one. A little girl who needs to know love. We love because He first loved us. A little girl who needs a real bed and daily bread and bubble baths and siblings to giggle and play with. We’ve got that, too. All that we have belongs to God. To be used and shared for His Name’s sake. Remember that one time Jarrod asked me if it was a sin to have unused bedrooms in our house, and I stammered around with some pathetic answer until I finally sent him to his room?? Yeah, that conversation never left my head. Nor did the words that we sang in church a couple of weeks ago…”Light a fire down in my soul, that I can’t contain, that I can’t control. I want more of you, God….” And don’t even get me started on the countless times I have poured every ounce of every part of my soul to Jesus as I sang “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the Presence of my Savior.” I can tell you with absolute certainty that loving and parenting and having broken hearts for orphans is God’s calling on our lives. He has been so good to make it crystal clear to us, so that we don’t have to wonder. Actually, we have never wondered if we were doing the thing we were created for. We haven’t wondered or questioned it once. Not even on the hardest of days. And speaking of hard days…. YES, we have them. And not just occasionally. I can tell some hilarious stories (all of which are true). But I can also tell you of the many times that I have royally blown it as a Mom and the times that have been incredibly difficult and the times that I was just living for bedtime. I can tell you about having to get my hair colored way more frequently now and about coping by eating way too often and about flaking out in the recliner when I should take the time to exercise.
Asking God to break your heart for what breaks His is hard. Pleading with Him to protect you from living a mediocre, boring life wears you out from head to toe. And it can also cause folks (who love you deeply and just want to protect you) to question some of your “yeses” to God. To say “enough is enough” or “you have done your part” or “do you have any idea how old you are???” And I’m not just talking about adoption here. ***This is not a never ending post to talk people into adoption. Adoption is a calling from God, not something you get talked into.*** I’m talking about making a decision to hand God a blank check (as David Platt talks about) and asking God to fill it out while we say “Here am I. Send me.” It will look different for all of us. But we were created for worship (with our lives) and to make much of Him and to know Him and make Him known as long as we are on this earth. That’s what I know. And while I love vacations on the beach and having absolutely nothing to do sometimes and laying on the couch and watching hours and hours of HGTV, it can’t be what I aspire to at some point in my middle age and old lady life. Rod and I are so thankful that God has taken away that desire that we used to have to get to OUR TIME to daily lay on the beach and collect sea shells and join the “cruise of the month club”. Now, God routinely whispers in my ear “Color outside the lines, girl” and “Don’t ever have empty bedrooms”. And not to stir up the stink here, but hear me when I say that we are 100,000% certain that God did not steward us with a house bigger than we need because we had won favor with Him. That kind of pish posh makes me cray cray (I just threw that in there because when I say it, it drives all 6 kids cray cray). NO, NO, NO!!! It is His. It is for Him. For His glory. For Him to show us what to do with it. I used to say “One of these days I’m going to clean the rooms of my house and have a decorator come in and it’s going to look beautiful and neat and clean all the time.” What was I thinking???? As a side note, I am not bashing those amazing people who can keep a neat, tidy house all the time. I am amazed by you. We Smiths just can’t pull it off. And having untouched rooms just isn’t what God called US to. The beauty, for us, is in the mess. It’s in the loud. It’s in the full table at night. It’s in the obscenely ridiculous grocery bill. It’s in the everybody talking louder and louder over each other because the Braves game (God, please help the Braves) is on even louder. And, if I’m confessing, it’s in the farting at the dinner table. And every night I fuss about it while high fives and fist bumps are going around. That’s what God has called us to.
That’s why September is big. Because a little angel from Bulgaria is going to join this holy mess. I sure hope we don’t terrify her. Please don’t think that allowing God to interrupt your life (WHATEVER HE CALLS YOU TO) is easy. It’s not. Don’t think it’s not scary, because it is. Don’t think it is not tiring. It is. Don’t think it won’t cost you much. Because it will cost you your very life. Don’t think that we are super smart and spiritual because we know this stuff. We know this stuff because we have discovered it along the way.
Last Sunday, we sang (music moves me) “I give myself away. I give myself away. I give myself away so You can use me.” That’s the cost. As believers in Jesus Christ, we are called to give ourselves away. To be poured out like a drink offering. To be Christ-like. There is no question that He gave Himself away. If you think about it, please pray for us. Once we go to Bulgaria the first time, we will have to come home (without the angel) for about 8-10 weeks. Then we will go back and bring her home. There are a trillion hoops to jump through to make it all happen. Not too big for God. But I don’t jump as well as I used to.