THIS OR THAT???

It happened again last Sunday. I don’t know why it bothered me so much, because it happens several times a week, but this time I gave myself a good lecturing right in the middle of church, because I had really been a neglectful parent.  What happened was during the invitation. Which means that at this point in the service, I was worn out.  One particular adorable Smith is really really busy during church. To top it all off, someone had played a joke on the pastor and put a squirrel on the pulpit before the service. My gift from God found it hysterical and laughed the entire service. In between laughing at the squirrel, he was laughing at someone in the congregation’s hair, waving to the Pastor, waving to the Music Minister, and discovering that we were sitting in a prime area to see his raised hand on the camera on the big screen if he raised it high enough.  So by invitation time, I really needed a Calgon bath.  We began singing  worship songs, and my boy laid his head on my shoulder and positioned it so I could sing into his ear.  He loves to do that. For the first time in ages we sang “Jesus Loves Me” (“such a simple message that everyone knows” the Pastor had said). I whispered “You know this one, right?” He said “No.” I said “You’ve never heard this?” He said “No.” So I sang it into his ear. And as I sang, I thought “Ugh, Lisa, how could you have missed this??” and I mentally added it to the list of the gazillion things that we have GOT to remember to teach our three youngest children.  All of which feel like needed to be accomplished last week.

I’m not sure if this is the common dilemma for adoptive parents of older orphans, but I can’t imagine that we are the only ones battling it. And I’m not sure if I feel compelled to tell it to defend ourselves, or just to share our story, or to maybe cross paths with others on our same journey.  Or maybe I am seeing that our lives are different now, and a bit upside down, and I just want to try to explain.,  I don’t know.  I do know that Rod and I have been shocked and humbled and amazed at the number of opportunities we have had since we got home to email/talk on the phone with/message/encourage/be encouraged by other adoptive families.  This journey is an unbelievable one.  And when God leads you to adopt older, very wounded orphans, you find yourself hungry to talk to others who walk where you walk.  And may I just add here that you “meet” some of the coolest people ever? A family who has a bit of an alternative skateboard ministry, and are now on their third adoption from Ukraine. They are adopting THE cutest HIV positive boy and have started selling their own possessions and stuff off of their walls at home to get to him.  Another family with a tough large Marine Dad who was tough as nails until he met a little orphan girl they hosted. He told Rod he wept uncontrollably as God broke his heart for her and for orphans in general. He is now going back to minister in orphanages and adopt that little one. Another family who is in the public eye, on the road mixing it up with those on the red carpet.  They hope to be home any day from Africa with a beautiful little girl with all kinds of special needs who will need their 24/7 care.  The list goes on and on.  People who we didn’t know were out there but who “get it”.

And when we talk with these amazing people, one of the things that we talk about is this LIST.  The gazillion things that never ever seem to go away. The list that never gets shorter (kind of like the laundry pile). The list that Rod and I mentally add to every single day, and that others add to for us (as in “Oh, you mean you haven’t taken them to Disney World, Build A Bear, World of Coke, Six Flags, Burt’s Pumpkin Farm, water skiing, a Falcon’s game, Tahiti???” (just kidding). “Oh you have GOT to do that.” OR “Are ya’ll making progress with their English, Math, social skills, reading, fears at night, friendships, relationships, their malnourishment, eating, catching up in science and history?? And are you getting them some good counseling?” Except for the Tahiti part, we get asked this stuff all of the time.  Some of it right in front of the kids.  They aren’t big fans. All of the questions are valid. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out how to do it all. And I can’t figure out what should come first.  Which brings me all the way back to the title of this blog post anyhow --- THIS OR THAT??? --- There are so so many things that we taught our older three boys when they were toddlers or a little older that our newest three kids have never been taught.  We have learned to not assume anything.  Whatever your 8 or 13 or 16 year old is doing, we are slowly teaching ours.  It was explained to us a couple of  days ago by our friends Oleg and Lena that the orphanage was their whole world.  They have had no other beliefs or knowledge or behaviors outside of what was taught or mirrored for them there.  So we slowly teach.  And we continue to try to earn the right to be heard. And so every day – every single day – we decide (consciously or subconsciously) do we focus on THIS or THAT today? There is no possible way to do it all each day.  Like last week, I had to message AnnaBelle’s precious teacher and tell her straight up that no homework got done all week.  None. BUT, we put everything we had into helping our little one sleep in her own bedroom for the first time since she got here.  She mustered up everything she had (she has never been in a room alone at night in her entire life), she prayed “Jesus, please help me be brave”, she grabbed poor Sophie Grace (our dog) around the neck like a stuffed animal, and she moved into her bedroom AND OUT OF OURS!!!    Massive progress in one area, absolutely nothing done in another.  And on and on the days go like that: successfully sitting at the dinner table having real family dinner and conversation, but knowing that victory there means we ought to lay off on pushing for showers (they hate them); or getting amazing cooperation and actual enjoyment at church, so we decide not to come home and start digging through the backpack pushing the math drills.  But “the list” never leaves your head ( they have GOT to learn to read, they have GOT to stop interrupting, they have GOT to get past a second grade math level, they have GOT to remember to say please and thank you, they have GOT to get a few more social skills, they have GOT to quit sassing, they have GOT to quit lying like a survivor, they have GOT to quit pointing at people they think look funny, they have GOT to get a filter before they speak, the boys have GOT to learn to throw a ball like a boy, little Princess has GOT to learn to sit like a lady,etc. etc. etc. Oh, and none of that even BEGINS to address the whole begging issues we have.  Everywhere we go.).  Ultimately, they still need to know so much more of Jesus.  And they are, at different speeds and caution levels, dipping their toes in the water.

 My little sassy one (yes, we are working on it) told me just last night that the reason her bedroom was such a mess was because she got really mad and messed it up on purpose.  I asked her if it made her feel better.  She said “Yes”. Well, alrighty then…. Then she said “Mom, sometimes I just so mad about everything.”  I sat down in the middle of the mess that I had almost punished her for and my heart broke.  All I could say was “I know, sweet girl.”  Oh, how my children need The Healer. It’s not that they don’t need Math or Reading or Science or the fun of Disney World.  But when the difficult days come (they are still fairly frequent) and we have to choose where to put our energy for that day, their wounds are so deep and their brains so angry or tired or defensive, that Math won’t go in anymore.  So we have to choose differently for the day. And it’s really really hard to explain. It’s hard to explain that our whole afternoon just changed on a dime because I accidentally forgot and cranked the car before AnnaBelle got to it, which once again made her think I was leaving her for good this time.  And so she is a mess for the next hour.  And that’s why the other stuff on the MUST DO list just got pushed down again today. It is so unbelievably real, and I couldn’t have thought it all up ahead of time if I had tried.  The fear they all live with is so irrational and over the top and ongoing and insane and REAL.  Thousands of times we have said to ourselves “Maybe if we just explain to them…”, and thousands of times other people have said to us “Maybe if you just try to tell them…” And we add it to “the list” of stuff we should do or should have done or should get to doing really soon.  Then the next day, we remember that God is Sovereign, that this family is His, and we set about being a family another day.  Some days are pretty. Some are not. Just like yoursJJ